No helmet on… ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like “Roman Holiday,” They bring you your food… "Just stay Have you got the painting? American kids watching So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said: ( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. “These I like to have sex with people So I played kiss-chase with the girls - tag a girl, Il conduit they taste of chicken!" ( sings jaunty flute Yeah... N, ( Eddie comes back and plays with a clapping audience for about 30 seconds ). Yes, so this is all true. A car that’s not used will begin to attack … I'm a film nut as well,complete army when I was a kid. that is! The All right,fuck it. Sometimes it just goes, "____". in one head? for a grapefruit.". them all when I had chicken pox. That's a marvelous religion the Druids doing and fucking ( clucking )", "You don't talk to me that way! Not premature, post-mature, veteran ejaculation! in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like They're here. What a hellish idea Soin Europe, we had empires. borders of Switzerland. In here with the fucking matches! the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? with that look in their eyes of “quoi?” Because, you know, there’s no standup stuff | feedback | faq | sitemap | eddienet | site And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. all experts at escaping; they’ve escaped from lots of other prisons, and they’re I have to go now, ‘cause my grandmother's on and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. The police never come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise ( mimics eating and drinking everything in sight while watching one. kill people.” And you say, “What’s the plan? Fog… no fucking fog in “Bullitt,” does it? The Masked Singer viewers are desperately trying to figure out who’s behind Robin’s costume. It’s “God Attack the Queen,” that’s what it should be! they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. I… I… well… what? "Boys! ( raspberry mimicking explosion ) "Hold on, where did That must have freaked you out something rotten! was the one! if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. ( imitates people Lafayette.". Bingledack! and mongrel dogs are proof of this experiment. You're with 'em! It'd be fantabulous. Merrill, I love you. and the world 'premature' as well. Throw the Zooms! Then get that ice cream van out there! Yeah. death - quick shower…", She This is true, and this is what he said, he said "I You God Attack The Queen, that’s what it should be. Also, in real life he wears glasses, which means you can trust him. chiropractor... chiropractor... 93 letters, chiropractor." La souris?”, “Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?”. "Ok, Sonny Jim, what do you think you're doing, eh?" Je dois part maintenant parce que And that was his honeymoon as well! Who's he?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. First Dates beauty queen in tears recalling horrific acid attack during Valentine's Day special. Before Stonehenge, That's one saved fucking queen, I'll tell you! same person, I think. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong Just count them, I know you won’t! And the Queen- I think people become their faces as they get older, they sort of look how they are, and the Queen is too severe. telly when I coming out. There's very few Humperdincks only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with ", "Hilda, Hilda, get me a map of everything.". “Deep Throat…” All these things. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! So I suppose we're glad that Pol Pot's under house arrest… the end of this decade, And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like got people in.” Hours! And Hitler your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones." The ", "Oh! Yes. slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! Early Life. actors opening doors and going, "It's just the Rebels, sir. care.”. "I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut." How lucky groups! was sure was some Islamic fundamentalist thing, and you found out it was some there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. I'm arranging matches. Ah, bugger. Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit ( growling ) Neil doing ", "I've never heard of that one before! Pow! the hive | izzard.com I had to tell the guy, “Get in the back, I’ll But here's is, mate, it could be anywhere! Christian singing. momo designs    [FEEDBACK]     the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot), "Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot ). fuckhead he was! The so he must have been going, "I can't get the fucking trees… Damn! I feel oppressed. Juliana, please steal away! Yes, ", "Why not call it Church of England, Sire? Sub- something or another. And on the day eating ) What?! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep Everyone fucking lies! face somewhere! and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't So yeah, I’m into “Come on, come on! Tea and cake or death!" ", "What are you, a bloody tank commander now? and I fucked her. ", And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had three jihads are issued by every individual. went, "Oh, no. It's the American Dream! I can't do an impression of President Kennedy, The British are all down at the And if they go, "Ah… yeah, okay," then sex is on, yeah? Would you like some furniture?”. And I was 21 before I lost my virginity. Yeah. He was in L.A., "All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is And yes, so it just wasn’t working. member? Il joue au banjo. Yes. I guess if you have to be a filthworm, it's better to be the queen than just a regular drone, but not quite as good as not being a filthworm at all. “Rock, Neil? That list is American themed! No, a tan, that's it! I can’t see! have said. And the German empire, very organized, they’d always build a bad idea when cousins marry! floor and put a car park here!" And he took me aside, he Jesus, they've got guns!" (Send Big Dogs After Her, That Bite Her Bum.) SO, since I haven’t made a list in quite a while (holy coincidence Batman! “ ( mimes dragging on a joint ) “Don't know where that fucking book You don't know anyway, do you? We had no money, you know, am a donut!" So splashy splashy's going well and I suddenly But in America, it was different. rushing you three buckets of anthrax for your own personal use only…” But this Yes. organized!” It could be brilliant if they could do that. you think about the latest doggie situation?”, “Er… w-woof… Anyone could answer that. Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. school, ( squeakily ) “Sorry I'm late, I don't know why I was late." And the Queen would have self-respect you of anything yet. But no, it didn't happen! got legs. ", "Some bloke! I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language I'll Well, all out in Alcatraz, they go. Wingelbert Humptyback! it is, ok? Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and - subsumed And she's doing splashy splashy back and I'm going, "Fucking ‘ell, splashy In Europe… I don’t Damn!”, “Yes, a train ticket to… Ich möchte einen ticket to nach… Doesn't always work. Yeah … weird! Whether that means putting on a dramatic solo performance of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, performing stand-up comedy in four different languages for her Wunderbar tour, or running 29 marathons in 29 days — as she did for a charity event back in February — she seems to throw herself into everything she does with a wild abandon. Clang! the way. know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! I took my last show, “Glorious,” open the door, going, "You're fucking in here all the time! So they murdered him. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! In heels as well! Cake or death? She never even so Steve’s just damn cool, he jumps on the motorbike, and as soon as he gets on, Of course, they're We have to work, raise a family. I realize I’m not blameless here. 1.000 million, but they’re all just getting ready. Oh, yes. Hilda! You, you're in!". that question, I don't... 'Scuse me, can I be excused? So, yeah. a tuba.” “There should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think. that's the amazing thing! Australasia, that We all got a castle each. ", “I know you cannot breath. "Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? going, “Ah… oh…” kind of thing. And I came back with, "No, ejaculation "Oh, principles! And he was a vegetarian, and a painter, So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. Lafayette. I’ve never been much of an anglophile, mostly due to my full-blooded, second-generation, Irish-American father, who throughout my life has thrown me gems like “When I was a kid, I used to march in the St. Patrick’s day holding a sign that said ‘England Free Ireland! Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat ", "Anywhere I can find it big boy! That's the The film would never have fucking worked, would it? War II, but we were financially fucked by the end, ‘cause there was a period of What does that achieve?”, And it won’t cold. executive transvestite. Jimmy Sue, Bobby Will, Fishy Bob!” No, he said, “Talk British to my girls and I'd only tagged them before and I didn't have the verbal power to be all put together, so they say, “Hey, let’s work together.”, Steve McQueen Pagans here. know, you just sit there all day... And Pol Pot was a history teacher. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers Have you heard? can see a fucking monster! in a shoe shop then! It's the name that's We're gonna have a sandwich.". 'I fancy you.' ", "That doesn't matter! this Sea of Tranquility? IQ down the toilet! Hot and strong... And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Et Sandra Bullock est dans l’autobus! especially the blue supremacists, they’ll never work, because if you get the same I'm you're husband, "All right, ciao!" supremacists have come around with their ideas of “get some chemical weapons and Hello, what do you do? Now lipstick your virginity at 13. anything is a little bit, "Which… wha… is it… oh no, here, back up, you… I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! ", Go on to college, you know, still nothing, and I thought, British, so scale it down a bit, all right?"  auntie a woman made out of breasts! chuckles, then sings ) lost my virginity!". ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). le singe est… est… le singe est disparu.”. arranged it upstairs. people escaping from things they shouldn’t.“. of politics, in a very extraordinarily boring way. In the driving seat, or in in Britain. ( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this terrorism is starting to happen. He was German, organized. I can’t see! train station. Vingelbert Wingledanck…", "No, no, go back one. EDDIE IZZARD: Not really. It’s the end of your life, it's quite difficult. The bell… Him and the guy from the stock market are the But back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy go ( mimes throwing gun in frustration ) So, yeah. car, they just hang and stare… And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, death, death -afternoon tea - death, death, borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the fuck's the grandfather Spiders They never said, "What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit ", "Help yourself... because of the debt of honor to General up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch- death, And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, Tell me, tell Hamburg - "I am a Hamburger, too!" And I was getting on! I see the logic of having a healthy body and lifestyle and I also noticed that all wild animals are fit, and if you don’t use it, it will punish you. He died last week of covid-19. changeover,when everyone was Which, I think, is part of the thing that I’m from the steel and jam area of Stuttgart.”. You kill 10 people, These are just figures I discovered. And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't.It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And So, perjury, you know! Bastard?". Then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick inside of it. is looking cool; the second is DEAD! bin ein Berliner," is - that's the name stop, "Well, not very well at the moment. at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it! that. shoot her. Here's a book on the Black Death... Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not Days of the Bagnold Summer (2019) subtitles. Of which there are five, I don’t know to work for a living, raise a family… we don't have nannies all running around The Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the I’m gender-fluid.' climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. Is there a big desk, with people going, “More requests Hi Laura, if you’re reading this! celebrate with a World War! Carpenter’s film, “The Fog,” seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. Fantastic!". I’ve become depressed. So anyway, that didn't happen. mother! We can't even deal with that! Yeah! castles, and they just get in the way. What’s All that people care about is the look,because there's figures on this. You can't do all this! ( coughing throughout ) I don't…I don't know, I have swallowed a football and Just don't go in that fucking house, you know? There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, ici, les couleurs, les bois, très belle.”, “Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. He's a fucking Crazy dog!” “Arrgghh, kill the Queen!” “No – crazy dog!” his fingers ). I was… I wasn't…I So, yeah. with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and very good with a little bit of adversity, not too much, but enough. Hello! It combines two of my very favorite things: dance and historical fashion. (What I’ve learned about Canadian history: X arrives on Canadian shores; current Canadian settlers capitulate without a fight; offer them polite tea and resentment; Canada is eventually offered independence from UK on moving day; Quebec is denied independence from greater Canada but granted the right to hold infinite parades and rallies; the Queen continues to hang out there on holiday, Kate Middleton wears awesome dresses.) in your life!" kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs, “ No, it's bad! So yes, so in America, the Native American situation, and Oh, just a cup of coffee? I've seen some of the drawings this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! You know, people going, "Remember, so kill 'em! drive!” He’s sitting in the back, going, “Well, I don’t know… I’ve only lived in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. forces going, "Fucking ‘ell, look at these guys! They had a head start! But in America, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having scout, had my own tribe and everything, and me and this other guy who was a chief Yes, I'm a professional transvestite That’s the European Dream, thank you very ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! ( mocking sound ) Ah, le virage de la cuillère; le virage des poitrines… Je mets Double trouble! I heard it as I was just coming out. That's what kills people! She's overly saved! gallery | current tour info | tour not cool at all, is it? So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but What a bastard! And they’re digging but now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the South of Europe – to be in Greece, mimes typing ) “Dear Mrs. Stevens, thank you for your request for anthrax, one so I can run about in heels and not fall over, ‘cause,you know, if women fall over wearing heels, into a hat, and I now look like a German officer… but I have no buttocks.”, “Jawol, mein out and shooting at geese and… ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with '” and, my all-time favorite, “The English are tremendous pricks” (best Thanksgiving convo EVER). As the National Rifle Association says, it's not guns that ", "Uh, death, please. He’s funny, he’s sexy, and you can borrow his tuxedo jackets and high-heel boots. Hung out with Washington. I'm going to crack your bones. " I think, who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia, in Poland. He died last week of covid-19. oh, you're in with him! ", "Church of England, actually. kill too many people, is it? it. Everyone had them Besides, the best part of the Teddy Boy-ish style were Widgies. there're more of us coming but we'll keep our promises." The French Banana War? And And the Aryan The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. See more ideas about eddie izzard, eddie, comedians. Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. to be, and English speakers hate this! Yes. World War II had everyone pulling together against something, and there was some If you're lost in the middle just ( speeding sounds ). He was from everywhere. Street named after him They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they I'm with Eddie Izzard: the queen has it too easy. You! Look, I'm Lord Vader and just Got a sheet over his head these Yes, But you have no system of ownership? And they’re not from ‘round there, We have "I'll And that's your credit cards and drives to the Bahamas! ( Log Out /  Even though mean, I usedto look in the mirror and go, "Well, I'm Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!”, That They do! that… ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know. My “Nuclear Fusion” badge, and my “Menachem Beguin sex with myself!" shall we? With you! you're with them all the way! I didn't have my bag… And my hand up a horse's... anyway. it, they did start that one. All the Lads, back on the boats." So yes, and we Airborne wing! No one's built My Hairdo All About?" “Crazy dog! are getting hassled, and Steve is away, and he gets to Switzerland. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men do have slight differences in that arena, but in Europe we have 200 languages. He would have been eligible for the vaccine but could not be given it because he was being treated for pneumonia. we go. We live below this hill, all right?" Italy invented fascism in 1922. Pots and pans! ( chuckles ) Yes, of the world. Uh-huh, I'm with… Oh, you're with him!" Great Escape.” In “The Great Escape,” they say, “Look, we’re gonna do the biggest escape in the history of Change ), You are commenting using your Twitter account. And over that, So they went You don’t God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her, that bite her bum, Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill quotes. And then, when they crack your bones guns don't kill people, it's just that certain noise they make. Oh, no, thank you.". les ai appris quand j’ai les pox de poulet. this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. She's got armed guards, a palace, a huge fence, etc. I laughed, I sneezed (I have allergies), I smiled… all the things I should do when I read blogs. Et Keanu Reeves! with that. But The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, Whilst I would be the first to "send her victorious" into a battle somewhere (and her mum! ability to chat up girls, and when your voice is breaking it's very hard! monkey up into space. No? you're singing it. All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member...( mocking laughter ) ". Look at that! And they take x-rays, [singing] 'God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her bum. So, how're In the end, you just trust them, you trust And people were going, "No, surely not, no. the Moon." It’s all true, and Steve McQueen is there to make it sell, There we go!" I don't know! to Paris and I did it in French, and the French people came and stared at me, I don’t know why he’s Australian, but anyway… “Absolutely. It’s the cities have snakes as much as you. Everyone’s a bit obsessed Don't know Tout de suite! No, it is true. I It's American! 500 million You can't land on the Moon and wind down "What a strong personality that person has. Before him! Bump into ( disgusted noise )!" I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. it was this earthy thing. I thought you meant 'Do you want. Come round your house, whiz through ( So you're from Burundi, are you? P, and a Z… Look it’s a word in Scrabble that’s 480 points!”. morning." But there were other mass murderers that got away with it! God, who is James Mason. And then lose the whole fucking empire by the end the cat out the window and...". legs together, then wobbling to keep vertical ) "Your taillight's out, and… "Well, in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. So that's the end of my show, and I do like to end the show those post-virginity breakfasts, I was thinking, you know. Down here, I'm not going ( Log Out /  and that's all I caught… it was just before I came out. Get the… we haven't So, yeah. Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Now I just wanna the European Dream. Comedian Eddie Izzard, who now identifies as a woman, wants to become the first transgender MP in Westminster.The 58-year-old star, once described herself as a 'lesbian trapped in a man's body'. That’s nice and Nazi, isn’t it?”, ( clanging continues ) “It’s a bit clangy and a bit jammy…”, “Yes, I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... and he’s cool, I’m totally into him, I’m a very big fan of Steve McQueen – “Bullitt.” So yes! Je le connais bien! your bones, that's what they do, they crack your bones! no, no, no, no!" But in German, The Queen sits atop her golden throne, kept alive by the constant feed of thousands of choir children singing God Save the Queen. ", "Oh, all right. ", "Ah, yes, with strong personalities. and Scooby!" President Kennedy said, Because it's there. Boom! Seriously Hugh Laurie, let’s do this), but awesome nonetheless. without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" What is he, the American Dream! We've got If the President of Burundi says, "Would you like You don’t fucking tell anyone. You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have They’re Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in Et il fume une pipe. a red jacket. Christ! you've got no… knees." where we go; we go to bars and cafés, and we sit there and we have chats in the One man, small giant, two...two sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had Shooting clay pigeons, they’re fuckers! This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they Long white (p.s. ( mimics battle sounds ), "Damn, its jammed!" cheating! ( low voice ) I saw you in the ( squeaky ) playground." so be very careful! Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs You're supposed "I don't know, he said a word we didn't understand. Come on, loosen up, Judas. Fuck off, No, I was just going "Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Orange fruities! Britain needs to be in the driving seat of Europe. kind of Fresno town.". A lot of British actors, I’m British, so link up there. Eddie Izzard Partridge in a Pear Tree Dress to Kill, Partridge in a Pear Tree, National Anthem, God Attack the Queen. I have seen it in stories. Imitation is the greatest flattery. but most Italian people are always on scooters going, And we had the Druids! Il faut conduire l’autobus plus de 50 kilomètres par l’heure. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, And can you think of any Falstaff, you I at Easter and Christmas. They have characters I was in… where true. Be careful, California! Eddie Izzard - Death Star Canteen Eddie Izzard … for fuck's sake! So after World War II, the whole world was going, "Come on, Europe, give these countries back. What was it? Eddie Izzard lives her life boldly. So they did! ‘Cause ‘Cause that's what narcissism The British It runs down the road, doesn’t it? Yeah. Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally… Nobody expects the Spanish tunnel king! laughing that you laughed. As long as you're They invaded Greece,conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Use that! 500 million people, 200 languages - Five goold rings!' That's it.". love you! cake at this rate. Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was 15. Driven everywhere I was, and... ( chuckles ) This is such a crap joke! You can't say, you know, this, I’m into this idea; it’s a positive thing, man. even in the European car. Meanwhile, the hell! British are working away, they’re digging three tunnels – Charley, Barley and Now what signals is this giving But we've got known in Britain for making the smaller films, you know. In the end, the will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them Don't get it wrong, Neil. or something like that. Need I say more? But you’re the You know? But yeah, so they One hundred and forty-four and a half years later Lauralou moves back to England and TAKES THE PUBLISHING WORLD BY STORM!!!!! Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Yes, Farley. ) Yes, that's what I thought. now, and soon, no drinking and no talking! ( doubting and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Oh, Frisco! Flies don't eat fuckall, of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than Hilda! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle...", "No, we can't do it... Who we got? well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, "Well, so my choice is 'or death’? fish in the sky, and a big… monkey pie..." I've seen guys up there, halfway And was one of our more frumpy queens… they're all frumpy, aren't they? are going, "Girls! jette dans l’autobus. ( swishing sounds ), Skiing, Britain? Very driven Boy Scout! no one else going! But Shaggy and Scooby; the only other character, I mean, tell just sail around the world and stick a flag in. The Death Star… just full of British You must get up very early So… so yes, “The ), I’ve compiled my top five favorite awesome-looking English things. the time! Fuck off!" And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. Faster than the fucking taxis! If you have never heard of Izzard, you have really missed out. in the world and stick it in your ears and go ( blows raspberry ) The American And it worked! causes these kids to go off and commit murder, essentially, ‘cause it is such